


Hourglass

by babysungwoonie



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst, Drama, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-12
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-26 06:36:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15657780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babysungwoonie/pseuds/babysungwoonie
Summary: Daniel thinks he moves forward because he falls out of love.Jihoon thinks he can be the right one because he just falls in love.Sungwoon thinks it is not the time to let go everything because he believes he's still in love.





	1. 01

 

> **_“It is hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember.”_ **

 

* * *

 

 

For Daniel could ever remember, he is not too fond of the sea. Maybe it is because he never like the salty air that feels uncomfortable when it touches his skin. Maybe because of the heat from the sun that penetrates too much to his skin but never made any significant change on his pale one. But who is he kidding now when he spends time on the beach almost for like hours, on usual weekends. It happens quite sometimes. He can spend the entire evening with just sitting on the white hot sands, and doing nothing in particular. But to be honest, there’s nothing he can do actually, regarding the beach has nothing but the sand and the sea. It is the small quiet beach in this district. The only one he can ever reach; an hour drive from his house. What makes Daniel amused the most is the hollow of silence that sometimes creeps up onto him and gives shiver down his spine. Maybe Daniel indeed likes the sea; maybe he just fails to recall the first time he started to love it. Or maybe there are just some certain memories remained and Daniel doesn’t want to remember. That’s why he tends to forget.  

 

Sunset somehow always be his most favorite moment. When hundreds birds fly above him and the sky becomes slightly orange then goes dark. _Twilight_.

Daniel closes his eyes, listening to ocean waves. Inhaling the salty air, and absorbing the silence. He remembers he once liked it.

Then there is Sungwoon sits there on the edge of the beach, busying himself to make some sand’s castle. His hands and legs are completely dirty; not that he minds. He takes a big handful of sand and pops it down on the tower-like of his undeniable castle. When it’s finished, he proudly grins.

He stands up and he shouts at Daniel.

“Niel- _ah_! Look at this!!”

Sungwoon waves his hands proudly and grins like a silly kid. Every little thing can make him so proud. It is quite fascinating.

 

 

On the other hand, Sungwoon loves the sea. No, he is kind of fall in love with the sea. Maybe it is because all the memories about his father who always brought him to his daily fishing activity. Sungwoon always bragged about his godly ability in handling fish. Daniel would just laugh it off every time Sungwoon came up with this reason; because Sungwoon was so bad at fishing it was ridiculous. Then Sungwoon would change his mind, maybe because the sea reminded him of home. How he missed his family; how he missed his father. And now, back to present time; Sungwoon is not sure whether he still has the same amount of love for the sea or not.

Sungwoon runs to chase the waves. His black trousers and white shirt are completely wet. He chuckles and steps forward to the blue ocean. Not afraid of the waves that might engulf him. The water is covering up his hips now. He stops there. All he can see is blue or _is it black?_ He wonders sometimes what is on that ocean’s end. What will happen if he keeps swimming forward through this ocean? Is there more beautiful place at that end?  Or maybe it has no end.

He turns to look back at Daniel who still sitting safely far from where he stands now. Sungwoon smiles and waves his hand. Daniel looks so far away from here. But he can see it clear how Daniel looks at him with that warm smile plastered on his perfect face. At this kind of moment, Sungwoon realizes how much he loves Daniel.

 

Daniel smiles while inhaling the salty air.  He cannot keep his eyes off the beautiful blue ocean.

 

There is the time when Daniel lays down there; with the back pressing on the hot white sand. He looks up to the bright sky. Slightly burned by the sunlight but he keeps looking at  it. Even he feels his eyes start to sting a bit. Then Sungwoon will lay beside him; with his right hand supports his body; he leans closer to the warm body next to him. Sungwoon moves his hand up to cover up the sunlight so it won’t go through Daniel’s eyes. Seconds later, he moves his palm away so the sunlight goes through again. Then he moves his palm to cover it up, all over again. Daniel stirs his body; Sungwoon laughs. He loves to play. And Daniel finally closes his eyes. Sungwoon can sense that he wins this game. He laughs wholeheartedly this time.

Daniel sighs deeply. He lets the smile creep up his face.

Sungwoon bites his lower lip. Watching Daniel’s steady breath like it is the best thing in the world he has ever seen. Daniel’s smooth pale skin looks shiny under the bright sunlight. His lips makes a beautiful shape that Sungwoon is longing to touch. Loving Daniel is like a disease which the cure cannot ever be found. And Sungwoon himself, never want to be healed.

“Hey Daniel..” Sungwoon calls out his name; it sounds like a soft whisper.

 

Daniel opens his eyes.

 

“ _I love you_.”  Sungwoon means it. He always does.

 

Daniel knows. He always does. He closes his eyes again. Small tears threat to roll down on his cheeks.

Sungwoon’s smile is fading. He knows it too. So he moves closer to Daniel and places his hand on Daniel’s heart.

Daniel somehow feels warm.

At this kind of moment, Sungwoon decides that he is less in love with the sea; because it doesn’t feel as right as before. He feels lonely.

 

***

 

 

He can tell that Wednesday is the busiest day. Daniel cannot stop tapping the cashier machine. Customers come fluidly. He wipes his sweats off his forehead with the back of his hand. He secretly curses because the air conditioner is broken and he feels like being burned when the store full of people, like right now. He takes note to himself, he needs to fix it right after this.

And then there is this girl who is in the waiting line. She keeps talking that she’s in hurry and she needs to get out of this place as fast as possible. She complains why the big store like this only has one cashier. She keeps bitching on and on. Daniel dugs his head a little to notice that she wears some kind of elite high school’s uniform. Daniel just shakes his head and back to his machine.

“This girl seriously needs to shut her mouth up.” A middle age woman whispers to Daniel.

“I wonder what her mother looks like.” She rolls her eyes in annoying way.

Daniel smiles. “Maybe it comes from her father instead.” He hands that woman her bag shop. There are five books on it.

“Oh it can be, _darling_.” She takes it after paying the bills. She winks at Daniel before she walks out towards the door. Daniel chuckles at that.

 

It is good when the famous book has been released and ready to sell, especially the kind of book like crazy teenage novel. Daniel is so grateful that his book store is one of the famous store in town. He admits it is not a really big store but it has plenty of customers and his store probably has more complete collections than the others. Daniel is happy with that.

He has been starting this business since four years ago. It was formerly his dad’s. Daniel wants to be independent. He loves working hard. He took economic and business major in university. He dreamt to make his own money. Then his dad offered the store. Daniel thought it was now or never. This store can be the good step to take another next step of his life.

Daniel taps the cashier machine furiously when it cannot open the money box. “Fuck.” He mutters.

Guanlin glances at him, he brings stack of books on his hands. “Easy boss.” He gives Daniel a sweet side smile while keeps walking towards the novel’s section.

“Put one of them on display, will you?” Daniel sighs in relief when the money box finally can be opened.

“ _Aye aye_ , Sir!” Guanlin yells from the edge of aisle.

 

Daniel’s head shoots up when he hears the soft knock on his counter. Jihoon stands in front of it. He smiles widely so there are crinkles in the corner of his eyes.

“Quite busy day, soldier.” He beams and keeps that adorable smile plastered on his beautiful face.

“Thought you need a break.” He hands a cup of coffee to Daniel.

Daniel cannot help himself from smiling. He takes that coffee and the smell makes his stomach twisted. He’s suddenly hungry. He sips the hot black coffee. He likes it. A black coffee with cream and nut on top of it. Jihoon knows what his favorite is.

 

“I don’t know that you can storm out of your work at 1.”

“I’m not a slave, Daniel. I got a break.”

“And you should give that one to Guanlin as well. He works too hard.” Jihoon’s eyeing Guanlin who comes to join them. He grins and hands the other cup to him.

“Thanks, Jihoon.” Guanlin grins back cheekily.

“And by the way, he is right, I need a break because my head starts to fool me. I accidentally arranged the books upside down.” He turns to look at Daniel who is still in behind the counter.

 

Jihoon laughs excitedly. Daniel watches him and feels his stomach twisted again.

“Okay, fine. You can go.” He sips his coffee again and walks out of the counter. Guanlin chuckles and elbows Jihoon gently.

“Let’s grab some foods.”

Jihoon chews inside of his mouth. He gives that kind of look and wishes Guanlin will take it as a sign to leave him and Daniel alone. Guanlin raises his eyebrow but then realizes it and clears his throat.

“ _Uhm_ , well., I think I’ll just go by myself. Jihoon probably doesn’t want to eat pizza either. It makes him fat.” Guanlin waves at two of them. He puts the “closed” sign on the front door before he leaves.

Jihoon can’t help but laughs. He notices that Daniel has moved to the couch on the reading room at the corner of the store.

 

Jihoon flops down beside Daniel. He doesn’t bring coffee for himself. He’s kind of not coffee person at the noon. He rests his head on the back of the couch and looks at the ceiling.

“Let’s take a walk. I know a new place to grab food.”

Daniel puts his legs up on the small wood table and slumps down his body on the couch. He folds his arms across his chest and closes his eyes. Inhaling deeply.

“I’m not hungry.” Daniel feels his body aching. He really needs some sleep.

“Thanks for the coffee though.” And just like that. Daniel drifts off to sleep.

 

Jihoon watches him closely. Jihoon moves closer and watches Daniel breathes uneasy in his sleep. He wonders if Daniel always be like this when he sleeps at night. He wonders if he can take all the weight off Daniel’s shoulders. He wonders when Daniel will let him in. Somehow his eyes stings. He doesn’t know why but it hurts, seeing Daniel like this. He wants to touch Daniel’s face; the urge to stroke his cheeks, to kiss his sadness away.

All he wants to say is, _Love me Daniel_.

 

***

 

 

The road is still alive. Saturday night. Cars pass by; uncountable. Some people walk pass him on the pavement, slightly bumping the side of his body. They look up and mutter some words Daniel cannot hear. Daniel doesn’t care. He doesn’t even know why he takes this way in the first place. It’s obviously not his way back home.

Then he stops there; in front of the one certain shop.

He stares at the window. He watches Jihoon walks around the room bringing a tray with cups on it. He watches him moves swiftly from one table to another. Jihoon smiles at them. He smiles all the time to everyone. He always do. Jihoon kneels to the ground, he looks so serious when a little boy whispers something to him. Then he laughs and Daniel can watch people around him seem happy and they’re laughing too. Daniel cannot hear the laughter but he can see Jihoon moves his hands animatedly while he’s taking to everyone in that room. Jihoon cannot stop smiling and laughing. That little boy’s face crimson red. He laughs so wide Daniel can see his small white teeth. It is so beautiful that Daniel can’t take his eyes off that moment.

There is something tugging inside his heart. It catches his breath. Daniel feels like he cannot breath properly. He places his hand over where his heart lies. It beats somehow faster. He still watches Jihoon who practically walks towards the counter to take another order. He still manages to put that bright smile on his face.

Daniel wants to call out his name but he didn’t.

Watching Jihoon is like living in the summer all years. With him smiling through entire time, it’s like sunshine warmly across your face every morning. Hearing his laughter is like summer breeze creeps up your skin. It is beautiful. Everything about Jihoon is too beautiful.

Daniel takes a step back. Then he walks away. He doesn’t even give the last glance at the window.

 

***

 

Sungwoon counts how many cars has passed by. That black Chevy was the 50th car. He often counting sheep-like when he cannot sleep or wait for something too long. He gets bored easily. Sungwoon used to count cars from Daniel’s window’s room; from the second floor. It was fun, watching the colorful light from those random cars. Sungwoon would count mostly until hundreds or until Daniel grabbed his arm and pulled him down to the bed and kissed him senselessly because Sungwoon talked too much and too noisy when he couldn’t sleep.

Sungwoon laughs and shakes his head at that ridiculous memories.

 

He flings out his legs. It is almost past 11 and Daniel still hasn’t been home yet. Sungwoon is not a kind of possessive person. He just worries sometimes. He worries about Daniel. Every time. He cannot imagine Daniel got some accident or maybe worse. He used to call Daniel every single day, every single hour, just to know that Daniel was safe. Daniel just laughed at that, all the time. Daniel never minded Sungwoon’s call. Daniel never minded whatever Sungwoon was doing. He never minded at all.

 

Sungwoon checks out the flower’s pots near Daniel’s front door. He examines it closely. It starts to fade. Sungwoon sighs. Daniel and he used to love flowers. Basically they loved gardening. Daniel made a small garden at the rooftop. Sungwoon planted some roses and tulips and some plant he didn’t even know its names. Daniel would dig some holes then Sungwoon would gladly choose whatever flowers he wanted. They watered the flowers every morning, everyday. Even, Daniel often cleaned up the weeds on Sunday morning while Sungwoon was still sleeping.

The garden is not well taken care of right now. And Sungwoon is sad. Still, he cannot do anything about it.

Sungwoon looks up when he hears foot steps. Daniel is standing there.

Sungwoon tilts his head. “You’re late.”

 

Daniel stops at the bottom of his doorstep. He leans on the railing beside him. He sighs and he looks down at his trembling hand. He realizes he hasn’t have his dinner yet.

“Is it about that Jihoon guy?” Sungwoon bites his tongue. He doesn’t mean to sound jealous or something. But, he apparently is. Sungwoon wants to slap his own mouth because he’s not supposed to say such a thing, at least not blatantly.

Sungwoon stares at Daniel closely. It strikes him right in the gut when he realizes that Daniel looks thinner. He doesn’t even remember since when Daniel looks like this. Those bonier cheeks, thinner body, and even bags under his eyes. _Did Daniel not sleep that well? Did he eat properly?_

So many things Sungwoon wants to ask. It is all ended up stuck in his throat.

Daniel keeps in silence so Sungwoon gives up. He walks down the concrete stair and he stops in front of Daniel.

 

All he wants to say is, _what happened to you? to us?_

 

His hand tries to caress Daniel’s cheek, but he stops mid way; pulling back his hand. Sungwoon just doesn’t dare to do it.

 

“Good night, Daniel.”

 

If only Daniel could see the hurt feeling in Sungwoon’s eyes. Daniel doesn’t look up. Sungwoon walks away because he doesn’t have a choice. He’s trying to ignore the tears that start to make his eyes blurry.

Daniel suddenly feels dizzy. He slumps down on that concrete step. He bends his knees to his chest. He lays his head on his folded arms. He only wishes he can go to sleep peacefully tonight.

 

***

 

 

 

 


	2. 02

 

 

> **"sometimes it feels you're moving on but maybe it's just you who run around in circle."**
> 
>  

* * *

 

 

 

When life gives you lemon, then make lemonade. Sometimes you need to take all the chances and possibilities that life has offered to you. And that’s what Jihoon is trying to do now. They say it’s now or never, just take it or leave it. So when Jihoon accidentally bumps into Daniel in super market on Saturday morning, he kind of babbles and it just sort of happens.

 

“What if dinner at my apartment tonight?”

 

Jihoon suddenly feels the heat creeps onto the back of his neck. He positively believes that his cheeks become red in instant. He doesn’t know why he asked that to Daniel. It’s not like they are dating or seeing each other. But really, Jihoon just cannot help. And Daniel who stands there, in the middle of milk and noodles’ section, in front of Jihoon. Daniel, with his cart half-full of strawberries and cereals.

Jihoon feels like world magically stops spinning around when he stands there waiting Daniel who looks like thinking. Even, he holds his breath. That will be so embarrassing if Daniel rejects his offer. Though it is so fair. And the worst thing is, Daniel seems like want to say no when he slightly sighs and looks down on his feet.

 

 _Please don’t!_   Jihoon wants to scream. His grip on the cart has tighten. Daniel might see his knuckles turn white within seconds.

 

“Okay. Fine.” Daniel answers shortly.

 

Jihoon is like taken to the seventh heaven. He cannot even believe what he has just heard. His smile appears automatically. He smiles so wide it hurts.

 

 ***

 

When Jihoon arrives at his apartment, he quickly cleans up his living room. He doesn’t want to make bad impression for Daniel. Jihoon keeps telling himself that it’s not a date, not anything closer to it. Still, it gives him nerves. What if Daniel doesn’t like his apartment, or his cook. What if Daniel doesn’t like _him_. 

He chuckles at himself. It is so ridiculous.

At this time, Jihoon wishes he could bring his mom home, because really, cooking isn’t his kind of thing. He’s great in making coffee, but cooking, it can say terrible. Jihoon doesn’t understand why he asked Daniel to have dinner in the first place. He wants to take it all back, sort of. Pizza delivery seems so attractive and cannot be ignored. Jihoon is about to grab the phone but then again he changes his mind. Salad and pasta cannot be that bad, _right_?

He struggles in the kitchen.

 

Daniel doesn’t know why, or maybe, he cannot remember clearly what he has just done. Why he said yes. He slumps down on the couch, looking straight hollowly at the fire place. He considers to call Jihoon and says he can’t make it tonight with whatever lame reasons he can get.

He doesn’t call him, anyway.

 

 ***

 

Daniel remembers when he and Sungwoon sat down on the blue navy carpet in front of the fire place, in Daniel’s place. _Their_ place. Sungwoon kept rambling about Mrs. Jung, their new neighbor,  with her little chihuahua. How she talked and acted like Reese Whiterspoon on Legally Blonde, not to mention Mrs. Jung wasn’t blonde at all. And how she convinced Sungwoon to join this dog club, which is some kind of unofficial association of dog.

 

_“What if I bring Peter to that club instead? They will freak out.” Sungwoon couldn’t help himself from laughing._

_Daniel snorted. His eyes crinkled a little when he watched Sungwoon laughed maniacally by his side. It was always mesmerizing to watch Sungwoon’s smile. It gave some tickling sensation inside Daniel’s stomach. And it somehow made Daniel’s harder to breathe. He stared at Sungwoon with that undeniable devotion look._

_“Why are you staring at me like that? You scared me.” Sungwoon bit his lower lip and Daniel could see him blushing._

_“Don’t ever stop laughing.” Daniel caressed his thumb over Sungwoon’s cheekbone, run it down across his lips. Sungwoon closed his eyes, carried away by the sensation from Daniel’s touch. He escaped series of moan when he felt Daniel leaned closer to him. He could feel Daniel’s hot breath ghosted over his face._

 

_Daniel chuckled. “Do I make you horny?”_

_Sungwoon opened his eyes promptly. He faked a pout. “Shut up.”_

 

_He brushed his lip to Daniel’s. It started with lovely chaste kiss. Daniel laughed at Sungwoon’s eagerness and Sungwoon simply giggled. He cannot stop smiling that night, when Daniel made love to him, in front of the fire place._

 

***

 

 

“Oh well that’s it.”

Jihoon beams proudly. He’s pretty satisfied with his work, pasta with chicken mushroom sauce. He takes a fork and tastes it a bit. It is fine and edible, he makes mental note. Some flowers are put in the middle of the table. White roses, that’s his favorite. Jihoon  doesn’t put any candles because _hell_ this isn’t something special, it is just ordinary dinner between friends, so he decides to make the atmosphere pretty much safe. He sighs to that fact, maybe he really wants it to be something special.

Jihoon glances the clock on the grey wall in the living room. 7.30 PM. Actually he doesn’t know when Daniel will come since he didn’t tell him what the exact time. And that’s pretty stupid of him why he didn’t ask Daniel in the first place. He groans upon his stupidity then tries to search his cell phone he leaves in the kitchen island. He’s gonna text Daniel.

He fumbles with the keypad. Trying to compose some proper but not so obvious words. The suddenly his phone rings.

“Hello?”

“Baby, how’s the date?”

Jihoon can hear clearly Minyoung’s laughing through the phone.

 

He puffs his chubby cheeks. “He’s not even here yet.”

“Aww, what time is it again? The date I mean.”

“Uhm..well actually we didn’t set the time.” He rubbed the back of his neck groggily.

“You what?! Seriously? _Aish_!”

Minyoung sounds annoyed on the other line and Jihoon can only sigh and remind this again as his fault.

 

“Aren’t you gonna do something? What if he forgets?! How could you be that careless?!”

“ _Aish_! Stop it, _noona_! I was trying to send him a message when you suddenly called me out of nowhere.”

He scoffs and gets irritated by his older sister’s bickering. Sometimes he just hates it when his sister over-reacted. She talks too much, most of times. And now it’s perfectly not a good time for her complaints and all.

“I hung up now ok”

“What? Wait..wait—”

 

Jihoon rubs his temple in frustration. At least he manages to get rid of her, for now.

He texts Daniel immediately.

 

_8 PM sounds good. Hope you find the address! ^^_

 

He walks towards the living room and slumps down to the couch. Smile creeps up his lips. He’s gonna wait for him.

 

***

 

It’s not hard for Daniel to find where Jihoon lives. The apartment isn’t too far from his bookstore actually, just few blocks away. That means it’s quite near with his own house. This is the first time Daniel goes around this place. He never take the reverse route from the bookstore, which is where the apartment is located. Jihoon lives in the one of luxurious apartment building. It has 20 floors with a beautiful fountain in the lobby. A middle age man with red and black uniform welcomes him in the front door. He gives a warm smile and Daniel cannot help himself not to return the kindness.

He walks towards the lift. He pushes the down button and waits. Jihoon lives in 12th floor.

Vibration from his phone makes he jerks slightly. He pulls it out from his pocket and reads the new message he received. It’s from Jihoon.

_Ding_

The lift door slides open while two young men and a grandma step outside. Daniel takes a step inside the lift and he’s definitely the one alone who’s going to go upstairs. The door slides shut. He pushes the ‘12’ button. 

Daniel leans his back on the wall. He thinks again, about coming here. He isn’t quite sure he should be here after all. There’s something in his head, telling him not to come down to this place. There’s something inside his heart, telling him that this isn’t the right thing.

_What’s the right thing anyway?_

He sighs deeply and closes his eyes. He doesn’t want to think anymore.

When the lift reaches the 12th floor. Daniel steps outside and begins walking through the corridor. He scans the room number on each door. There’s pretty long corridor with maybe around 20 rooms. The corridor is quiet at that time. Daniel doesn’t see anyone but him walking down through it. He keeps walking while looking from door to the another ones.

235.

That’s it.

 

Daniel stands in front of that black door with the gold ‘235’ carved on it. He takes step closer and about to knock. He doesn’t know why but his hand is shaking. Taking a breath and closing his eyes once again.

 

_Brown orbs. Child-like smile._

 

It was so vivid and it scares him. Daniel shoots his eyes open. He can feel his heart is beating faster. In every single heart beat, he can hear _his_ name. He clutches his shirt because it too hurts when he can’t control his heartbeat back into the normal rate. He cannot. He just cannot do this. He’s not ready.

Never.

He stumbles back from his current position. He looks at the door solemnly. He decides to head back to the elevator.

 

***

 

 

Jihoon  for the nth times checking himself on the mirror. His reflection just looks gorgeous like it always be. Green light t-shirt and black tight jeans will not kill somebody, he thinks. But still, he pats his hair, spruce up himself, straighten up his t-shirt.  He looks good so he grins like idiot. He checks again the clock on his phone. It’s 8.17 PM.

“Where is he?” He mumbles while hesitantly going back to the couch in the living room.

 

***

 

9.28 PM

Jihoon is pretty sure he gave the right address to Daniel. He even texts the latter for the couple of times. He tries to call him but it always goes straight to voice mail.

“Hi. I don’t know if you get lost or something but did I give you the wrong address? I guess not. _Uhmm_ , you don’t reply my messages. I’m worried”

 

***

 

10.30 PM

Maybe he decided to not coming after all.

Jihoon puts his head on the dinning table. The meals has gone cold and he doesn’t even try to clear the table. He doesn’t even eat yet but surely he doesn’t seem to care about that.

 

***

 

11.03 PM

_From: Daniel_

_I’m sorry I can’t make it tonight_

 

Jihoon wants to die.

He never thought it will turn out like this. He never thought that it will hurt like hell. He’s sobbing because he doesn’t know what to do anymore.

That night, his heart is breaking to pieces and Daniel probably knows it too.

 

***

 


	3. 03

 

> **"there are memories that time does not erase."**
> 
>  
> 
> * * *
> 
>  
> 
>  

Of all people, of course it has to be Guanlin who throws him a tantrum in the early Monday morning. Daniel’s neck is a bit sore which he is sure it is because he didn’t get enough good sleep last night when he decided to spend the night in the couch instead. But once again, when was the last time he ever had a good enough sleep, for the past three years?

For all he cares, Daniel chooses to ignore Guanlin’s behavior. Seems like the lack of sleep has made him unaware; not that he understands what Guanlin is angry about in the first place.

“Really, _Hyung_? I thought you were better than this.” Guanlin still tries so hard putting on his disappointed look.

“He’s a good guy,” he states firmly. Guanlin bites his tongue to avoid himself adding _‘and he is cute’_.

 

Daniel walks towards the bathroom, and Guanlin indeed follows him; stomping his feet once in awhile because Daniel is still ignoring him. He knows that his boss can be stubborn sometimes, but the last night event with Jihoon, he never thought Daniel could do such a thing like, hurting people. Jihoon may be a pure innocent guy; Guanlin can’t help but feeling sorry for him when at around 3 a.m Jihoon called him while crying. Guanlin was torn in between wanting to run to his apartment and hug Jihoon right away, or wanting to just keep his distance away because it was not his business in the first place after all. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care at all, the truth is he cares, too much maybe. For this past six months, Guanlin notices how Jihoon acted around Daniel. Jihoon is a type of kind and caring guy that Guanlin can ever dream of. He thought Daniel is lucky to have someone like Jihoon who cares about him so much, in every way. There were times when Jihoon poured his heart out on Guanlin; how he loved Daniel and how he was tired sometimes because he was such a fail in making Daniel to open up a bit more to him. Jihoon ever asked to him did he really have a chance with Daniel, a chance to make Daniel happy again; a chance to spend a life with him. Guanlin wanted to answer _‘yes of course you can’,_ but then he looked at Daniel’s state now, he wasn’t sure if happiness could ever reach Daniel’s life ever again. He wants to help Jihoon, because he wants Daniel to be happy once more. But a part of him just wants Jihoon to forget Daniel because he deserves better at some point.

Daniel turns on the faucet then washes his hands. Guanlin is still lurking at the back, trying to bore a hole on the back of Daniel’s head. His arms crosses against his chest; puffing his cheeks occasionally. Once Daniel dries his hand with the certain drying machine that perfectly hanging on the bathroom wall, Guanlin starts again his unfinished complaints.

“ _Hyung_ …”

Daniel is a bit surprised with the change of Guanlin’s voice tone. It somehow sounds more gentle and he can feel a sadness that came along with the word. For whatever Guanlin will say next, Daniel doesn’t want to hear it.

 

“Don’t you think it’s been too long… He’s not here anymore.”

 

Guanlin knows he is stupid, sometimes; and yes, he is reckless and he says non-stop ridiculous things, most of the time. But maybe, this is the stupidest thing he ever done and he regrets it immediately after he said those words.

Daniel’s face turns dark, and he stares at Guanlin through the mirror in front of him. He wants to punch Guanlin right on the face; or maybe punch that god damn mirror into million pieces. This is the first time in three years that he feels like he will lose himself in any second. The urge to break everything within his reach, just so he can lose some sense and control over himself. The hurt feeling he keeps all this time, the feeling he even believes he didn’t feel anymore because he is too numb to recognize it. The feeling of losing someone; losing _Sungwoon_. And Guanlin, his best friend, of all people, is the one that had to remind him.

His hands grip the edge of the sink quite tightly so his knuckles turn  white. He tries so hard to keep his eyes steady so the tears won’t fall in any minutes.

“ _Hyung_ , I’m so sorry.” Guanlin sounds so sincere. He definitely regrets it. He takes a step forward to comfort Daniel because he feels that he already hurts his best friend in the most unpleasant way.

“Don’t.. just—go away,” Daniel whispered but still clear enough for Guanlin to hear. His head hangs low; he doesn’t even want to look at Guanlin while he speaks.

 

Cue to the words. Guanlin feels more regretful over what he had done earlier. Really, he doesn’t want to hurt Daniel’s feeling or anything, it just slipped his tongue. For all this time, he promises to avoid any conversation that leads to Daniel’s past love. He even never said his name again, at least not in front of Daniel. But today, he had just broke that.

“I’m really sorry..”

With that last words, Guanlin walks out the bathroom, leaving Daniel alone.

 

***

 

The customers come and go; the delivery orders never stop because it’s Monday after all. Waiters are busy taking orders, so is Jihoon. It’s past noon but the orders still haven’t die down, yet. He brings another tray full of coffees for the served tables at the corner of the shop. It’s a group of foreigners. He isn’t sure where they  come from but he hears one of them (a brunette young lady) says _thank you_ to him in a unique accented way. Jihoon casually replies with another accented _you’re welcome_ and gains a small smile from the lady. He walks back to his counter again to take another order when someone grabs his wrist.

 

“ _Hyung_ , just take a break.”

 

A young guy, probably around 20, with a sparkle eyes, stops him from lifting another tray. Jihoon looks up to meet the dark haired guy who happened to be his co-worker.

“It’s fine, Daehwi. I’ll take this.”

“But you haven’t eat your lunch.” Daehwi slightly pouts; giving Jihoon the best puppy look he had. Jihoon wants to ignore it but he finds it hard to resist the cuteness his friend possessed. He sighs and put it back the tray on top of the counter.

“I’m not hungry, really. I’m fine. I will get this done and go home.”

“ _Hyung_ …” this time Daehwi gives him pleading look and tugs on his wrist so he will let go of the tray.

“I will do this and you will take some rest”.

Before Jihoon can reply, Daehwi already takes away the tray and heads to the certain table for delivering the order. He doesn’t lose a chance to shout while walking.

“There’s a sandwich in my bag, you can take it.”

 

Sighing, Jihoon is heading to the locker room. Once he sits on the bench he can feel his stomach growl for the nth time. He is indeed hungry. Rummaging through Daehwi’s bag, he finally finds the sandwich that neatly wrapped with plastic. He cannot thank him enough for saving the food for him. Daehwi is a good cook; he often brings the meal for the co-workers. Jihoon can say that Daehwi is one of the closest friend he has in this shop. He is a nice and bubbly person you can share everything with. He is a good listener and advisor; maybe that’s the reason why Jihoon decided to talk about his love life problem with Daehwi on this early morning when they started to open the shop. Daehwi didn’t say anything; not that Jihoon wanted him to say anything either, he just needs a listener. Jihoon can say he’s quite proud of himself while he was telling the last night event to Daehwi, he didn’t even shed a tears. Maybe it is because he had cried enough, or maybe he had finally realized that he has to give up on this. Recalling his outburst at 3 am when he called Guanlin; he kind of regretted it. He should have not cry and pour his _oh-so-wreck-love-life_ on Guanlin; _heck_ , he should have not call him in the first place. That was quite embarrassing.  But yeah like some say that people tend to do stupid things when they fall in love; Jihoon is just one of them.

 

Fall in love.

 

A bit by bit, Jihoon manages to finish one sandwich without any difficulty. Though, his mind recalls the last night event, once again. He lets out a deep sigh while staring at the white floor beneath. It hurts, he is sure about this; broken heart is something really new for him. This is the first time he’s considered himself being rejected by someone. Jihoon thinks it’s his fault after all because he’s the one with the high hope about getting together with Daniel. For all he can remember, Daniel never had intention to take this friendship to next level more than that; never once, yet still Jihoon is too blinded by his own dream. So yeah, it hurts.

Jihoon will not blame Daniel. Jihoon knows Daniel had someone before, someone that apparently he cannot forget, _yet_. But, is it possible to love someone even that person is not with you anymore?

He hears something about that person who left Daniel three years ago; something about horrible leaving, he isn’t quite sure what it really was. Guanlin never talked about it either. He just said, that person meant the world to Daniel. At this rate, Jihoon cannot help but wonder why even this certain person left Daniel in the first place while Daniel apparently still in love with. _Did Daniel really deserve this?_

 

***

 

It’s been a week since that eventful night. Daniel hasn’t talk to Jihoon again; he just cannot bring himself to face the other man because he doesn’t know what to do. He is coward, he knows it right. Maybe he needs more time to clear everything and apologize properly.

His relationship with Guanlin is better. Daniel was decided to _run away_ from  the store right after that on Monday, he didn’t come back so Guanlin had to deal with the customers alone, but he understood so he didn’t complain. They talked on Tuesday; Guanlin was the one who approached him and apologized for the nth time. Daniel couldn’t hold his smile when he saw Guanlin took a deep bow in front of him and even insisted to drop down on his knees and promised Daniel he would do the house cleaning for a week so Daniel could forgive him. Daniel just ruffled Guanlin’s fluffy hair and said _that’s okay_.

For the entire week, they didn’t talk about Jihoon, or even Sungwoon on that matter; and Daniel is relieved for that. He spent the week normally, busying himself with the work. The business on book store goes pretty well, and he is happy for that; at least life is not as hard as he thought it would be, especially after that event with Jihoon. Although, he is feeling uneasy every time he opens his phone and scrolls on the contact numbers; he wants to call Jihoon, or maybe just gives him a text. But he never dare to do it anyway.

 

***

 

Sunday morning, when the sun shines so bright and even the wind blows softly. Daniel takes Peter to the park in the downtown. It used to be a habit, he and Sungwoon usually took Peter for a walk every Sunday. It’s been too long he didn’t do it anymore. Work is too hard to resist for this recent time, that’s Daniel’s excuse. But the truth is he doesn’t feel like doing it anymore, not without Sungwoon.

So why is he bothering to do that again? He has no idea.

 

The park is pretty crowded. Loads of people taking their children and their pets. They are just sitting and lying on the grass, near the fountain. Children are running around, laughing so happy while chasing their own friends.

Daniel sits down on one of the park bench, amused by something he sees. That’s a little boy, probably 5 years old, standing under the maple tree, he’s eating his ice cream cone clumsily. Most of the ice cream sticks on his pinkish cheeks because his mouth is just too small to swallow it all. He blatantly grabs the ice cream using his little right hand and he shoves it into his mouth. Somehow, intentionally or maybe more accidentally, he drops the half-eaten ice cream. It slips from his hand and unmistakably scattered on the ground. Melting right away. The boy is crying, more like screaming. A very young lady approaches him then. Caressing his head and trying to wipe his tears away. She seems to whisper something, for comforting that little boy who is still crying over his melted-ice cream.

Daniel watches every single moment. Unknowingly, smile creeps up to his face. He wanted a boy, he still wants it. On the back of his mind, he remembers how Sungwoon wanted to have a boy as well. At that time, Daniel even had tried to look for some surrogate. A friend told him about that kind of stuff. Daniel hesitated at first but he wanted it so bad, and so did Sungwoon.

 

_“I want you to be the father.” Sungwoon beamed._

_“Why?” Daniel frowned and he wasn’t sure if he had to be happy or more afraid._

_“Because I want our son to be beautiful.”_

 

_Sometimes Daniel didn’t understand with the way how Sungwoon thinking. Sungwoon is just too predictable, most of the time. But at some certain time, he never failed to surprise Daniel with his actions. That was what made him different. Maybe that was why Daniel fell in love in the first place._

 

_“But you are more beautiful, Sungwoon.”_

 

_Sungwoon chukled and leaned closer to Daniel. He wrapped his hands around Daniel’s neck then looked straight on Daniel’s brown sharp eyes. Noses touched each other. Daniel could feel Sungwoon’s fresh breath which heavenly made him close his eyes to feel it even more._

 

_“You are the most beautiful man I’ve ever met and you are so perfect, Kang Daniel.”_

 

_The words made a shiver run down Daniel’s spine. Never had been told like that before, Daniel felt like he was the luckiest man alive to have someone as angelic and kind as Sungwoon. What he had done in the past to deserve someone like Sungwoon. Daniel sometimes wondered if all of this was only a dream, to have a beautiful life like this; and if it was a dream, he surely didn’t want to ever wake up anymore._

_They agreed to do that surrogate after their wedding day, more like after their honeymoon. The reality was they never had a chance to do that at all. And Daniel regretted everything he had said to Sungwoon. He regretted everything he promised to Sungwoon that he didn’t make it true. He blamed himself for all those undone promises._

 

***

 

For the past hour Jihoon keeps checking on his phone; his message box or the history call. There it is, Daniel’s number. Jihoon wants to call him so bad. It’s been more than a week they hadn’t talk. And he didn’t visit the book store as well because work is a bit hectic. Besides, he isn’t ready to meet Daniel, not yet. But a part of him missing him badly. He misses talking to Daniel though it was him who did most of the talking all the time. He misses seeing Daniel sits casually on the couch while he was reading one of his favorite books in the store. He thinks, he just misses Daniel.

Daehwi takes his bag out of the locker and keeps eyeing Jihoon who is on the bench and staring at his phone.

“Just call him, _Hyung._ ” Daehwi sighs then slids down beside Jihoon.

Chewing on the inside of his cheek, Jihoon looks uncertain about what he should do.

“Or maybe, don’t call him ever again.. just leave him for your own good.”

 

Jihoon wants to laugh upon hearing Daehwi’s statement, how ironically ridiculous that was. Once he asked him to call Daniel then seconds after he wanted him to leave Daniel for the best. Maybe Daehwi is just as confused as he is. Jihoon wonders if leaving Daniel really is the best option for now.

The thoughts of leaving Daniel is enough to make him scared. He cannot picture his life without Daniel; even if he cannot be with Daniel in a way he always want it to be; he just cannot leave Daniel.

He puts back the phone on his pocket and stands up from his previous position. The bag is slung on his right shoulder. He puts the scarf around his neck, remembering the wind outside is pretty chill at this hour.

 

“Let’s just go home”

With that Jihoon and Daehwi emerge from the locker room.

 

 

If Jihoon wants to hate his fate, he can do it all he want. Let’s just say the fate is really enjoying to play with him, in any possible way. Either he wants to curse himself for having unpredictable fate, or he just has to be thankful for all that life gives him so far. He doesn’t choose any, because he’s too dumbstruck standing outside the shop; hands slightly frozen due to the coldness of night wind at this hour. He just stands there and doesn’t break the stare he gives to the person who ridiculously standing in the same kind of outfit as him, thick jacket and scarf around his neck; the one and only, Kang Daniel.

The silence keeps remain until Daehwi starts to open his mouth and says,

“ _Uhm_ , I just.. I think I’m just gonna go this way..”

Nor Jihoon or Daniel give him any reply, so he just walks away to the right direction where the bus stop is located.

Daniel stares at Jihoon’s figure. His eyes land on Jihoon’s hands which start to tremble. Clearing his throat casually, Daniel takes a step forward and he is secretly thankful because Jihoon doesn’t try to step back or walk away from him.

“I’ll just walk you home.”

Heart beat’s raising. Jihoon has to draw his hands together to keep himself warm. He isn’t sure if it’s the cold wind or they way Daniel speak to him that make him feel shiver run down his spine. Instead of replying, he just nods a little.

 

***

 

The walk back home is filled with silence. No one is trying to break it. Daniel seems to lose on his own thoughts. The reason he came to Jihoon because he wanted to apologize; but now he just cannot form a single word to express his feeling. It’s not that he is nervous, it’s more like he’s afraid that he will say something’s wrong that will end up hurting Jihoon more. Jihoon himself, doesn’t say anything either. He just silently walks with a heavy feeling in his heart. With this silence keeps remaining between them, Jihoon is afraid; he’s afraid that Daniel at some point will hear his heart beat, because Jihoon is sure he can clearly feel his own heart is beating erratically; it seems like it will burst any minute. And he cannot do anything to stop it.

The apartment building comes into the view. Daniel is glad that the journey finally comes to an end; it feels like hours although the distance from the coffee shop to Jihoon’s apartment is only couple of blocks. On the other hand, Jihoon feels sad, he wants time to stop, he wants this moment to last; he doesn’t want to say goodbye.

Daniel stops his track right on the big stairs in front of the building. Taking a deep breath, he turns to see the person who’s currently standing on the stair couple steps ahead from him.

 

“Jihoon.. I—”

 

“That’s okay, I understand.” Jihoon cuts him off. He even gives him that dazzling smile as if nothing had happened.

Jihoon clears his throat and slightly bit his lower lip. He doesn’t dare to meet Daniel’s eyes.

“It’s fine, Niel. Nothing has to change.”

 

This is somehow making Daniel feels more like a bastard. Even without saying much words, he is hurting Jihoon once again. He wants Jihoon to yell at him; to slap him, or even punch him, because he is such a jerk to begin with. But of course, Jihoon will never do that; he’s just too kind to be a someone for Daniel. Jihoon deserves better than all of this.

Daniel takes a step forward so he can stand one stair below where Jihoon is. His eyes look straight into Jihoon’s face. He can see the way Jihoon keeps his head low and how the color of his cheeks turn into red due to the coldness. Daniel strokes his puffy red cheek gently; the action startles Jihoon and makes him turn to look up and meets Daniel’s deep eyes.

 

Jihoon wants to die; the closeness between him and Daniel is killing him slowly.

 

The touch of Daniel’s palm on his cheek brings him to the fullest of happiness. The warmth he feels, it creeps from his cheek to his heart. If only Daniel can hear his heart beat, it beats only for him..

The gentle motion of Daniel’s palm keeps caressing Jihoon’s cheek. At this rate, Jihoon can break down and cry. His eyes start to sting and he feels the wetness is already there on his vision.

“I’ve hurt you in so many ways.”

He can barely hear Daniel’s soft voice. Jihoon is just too stunned to react. Daniel keeps staring at his big eyes without blinking. Jihoon, on the other way, is just too afraid to blink because he’s on the verge of crying right now.

 

“I’m so sorry..”

 

With that last words, Daniel leans closer. Jihoon’s heart stops to beat when Daniel plants a sweet kiss on his forehead. A single tear rolls down the way.

 

***

 

It has been more than an hour he already sat on the porch; in front of the wooden door of Daniel’s house. Sungwoon notices the natural color of it starts to fade into light brown. He notes himself to remind Daniel that he has to repaint it. Sungwoon doesn’t like dull color.

Standing up on his two feet, Sungwoon stretches his arms above his head. He smiles a little while inhaling the night air. It is going to rain, he can feel it. Sungwoon loves rainy days, because he will have excuses to cuddle up on the couch or bed with _his_ Daniel.  He will have excuses to skip classes, or to go out of the house. Excuses to stay at home. Excuses to steal Daniel’s time for accompanying him to drink hot chocolate. Excuses just to be with Daniel.

And, Daniel loves rainy days too; because he will have Sungwoon along with all the excuses.

 

A melody of piano can be heard from the where he stands. It comes from the house next to Daniel’s. The music sounds beautiful and turns into a song Sungwoon recognize very well.

 

_You light up my life_

_You give me hope_

_To carry on_

_You light up my days_

_And fill my nights_

_With song_

 

Sungwoon closes his eyes and lets the music guides him. He swings his body from right to left. His hands make a gesture as if he holds someone’s hand and shoulder. He takes a step backward and forward. Synchronizing his moves with the music. He dances smoothly.

 

_“Ok, now, open your eyes.”_

_Sungwoon opened his eyes; blinking once, twice. Daniel smiled sweetly, his face inches away from him. He gently  took Sungwoon’s hands in him. Sungwoon looked around and felt surprised. All he could see was green grass. He couldn’t believe it Daniel had taken him to the football pitch, in the mid of October, in a chilly night._

 

_“So, what are we doing here?” Sungwoon couldn’t help but ask dumbly. He didn’t understand why Daniel brought him here in the first place._

_Daniel only grinned then let go of Sungwoon’s left palm so he could reach inside his jeans pocket to pull out his iPod. Sungwoon tilted his head; confused by his boyfriend’s action._

_Scrolling down the song list, Daniel finally found what he was looking for. “You Light Up My Life by Debbie Boone”. He plugged the ear phones in. Then he plugged the left ear phone into Sungwoon’s ear, while the other was for him. The play button was pressed, the music started._

_Daniel took Sungwoon’s right palm and clapped it together with his own left palm. Sungwoon’s left hand was brought to Daniel’s shoulder._

_Daniel put his hand on Sungwoon’s waist and guided him to move. So they danced. Dancing under the moonlight. Swaying their body; following the melody._

_On that night, Sungwoon gave him the most beautiful toothless smile Daniel could ever wish for._

 

When the music stops, Sungwoon slowly opens his eyes. And he can perfectly see Daniel standing right in front of him. He couldn’t help but smiling so wide it hurts. At this moment, he just feels that he falls in love, all over again.

 

***

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!


	4. 04

> **"sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead."**

 

* * *

 

 

It can be counted on the fingers how many times Daniel spent his time in his kitchen for thee past three years. Daniel is not good at cooking. Therefore, he prefers to order food or eat out. Sungwoon was the one who used this kitchen more often. Although Sungwoon was also not good at cooking, at least he wanted to learn to cook dishes that were not too difficult. Actually Daniel's mother who forced him, the woman did not have the heart if his son would only depend on unhealthy food out there. Daniel's mother always reminded that a husband would be more happy being at home if his partner was able to serve warm food every day.

  
Sungwoon smiles remembering how the learning session with Daniel’s mother. It was such a wonderful time. He wishes everything could be rewind again. Sungwoon really longs for those times.

Daniel eats up the food in front of  him. It’s tasteless. Probably because there are too many things going around inside his head. If it is not for the fact that he can barely stand by hunger, Daniel will better burrow himself in the mattress and forget about the food. Daniel returns to recall the incident with Jihoon. He begins to question his action again. He should not have kissed Jihoon. Even though it's just a kiss to make up for his mistakes. However, the more Daniel ponders, the more afraid he will be if the kiss had been misunderstood by Jihoon. He wishes Jihoon had not thought that far. However, there is still a unsettle feeling in his heart. Daniel feels that he has hurt Jihoon more by doing that. Daniel really doesn’t know what to do. Everything feels wrong and adds to the burden of his life.

Sungwoon notices how Daniel stops his eating and starts to massage his temples. Daniel looks so messy. Sungwoon folds his hands and places them on the dining table. His gaze is straight at Daniel who is sitting opposite him. They are so close but yet too far away.

 

“I love you.” Sungwoon can’t bear not to express his heart at this time.

  
“I love you so much Niel- _ah_.”

  
“I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so lonely.” Sungwoon says softly.

  
Daniel feels sick. It is like that he wants to vomit what he had just eaten.

“Am I being too selfish? I just want to be with you.” Sungwoon wonders if he is still capable of shedding tears after everything that happened.

  
“But you're so unhappy right now. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Niel- _ah_.”

  
Sungwoon feels it may be time to give up. It's time for him to actually leave. Though deep down, he will never want to let go of everything. However, by continuing to hold on Daniel like this, the two will be destroyed without anything left for them to take.

If Daniel can finally find his happiness with others, Sungwoon will learn to accept it. Though it feels so unfair to him. But there’s nothing he can do about it, everything can’t be rewind as before.

  
“Do not drown in your guilt, for I am the one who is most blameworthy. I am the one who left you.” the words spoken from Sungwoon's lips unknowingly; it feels like a dagger through his own heart.

  
The tight sensation in Daniel's stomach seems unbearable. Along with the pain in his head. Like a hundred of knives stabbing furiously. Daniel cannot take it anymore. He has to get out of here. His chest is tight, it is hard for him to breathe. Sungwoon looks at his soulmate solemnly. Sungwoon's hand reaches out to touch Daniel's shaking hands. But before Sungwoon can touches him, Daniel has pulled back his hand already.

Sungwoon can see how Daniel looks at him with a look that he cannot express in words. Daniel moves from his chair. The man stumbles into his room and leave his remaining food which begins to cold. Leaving Sungwoon back in solitude; alone.

***

 

Jihoon sits pensively at one of the tables in the cafe not far from where he works. From time to time he looks at his watch. Jihoon takes a deep breath. Today, Daniel invites him to meet. There is something he wants to talk about. Jihoon feels something strange. His feelings have been complicated since this morning. Between nervous, sad, and confused. Jihoon doesn’t know what Daniel wants to talk to him about. _Why is everything complicated like this?_ Jihoon now feels awkward to be near Daniel. He is afraid that his words or behavior will offend Daniel. Jihoon himself confused how to behave.

Jihoon still remembers clearly how the kiss was. Jihoon is well aware of the meaning of the kiss; it is just as a redeemer of Daniel's faults. However, in his heart, he can’t lie if he hopes this is the beginning of Daniel's heart opening for him. Jihoon still refuses to give up. He wants to keep trying to achieve his happiness. Is it selfish if we love someone too much? Does he deserve all this pain? Jihoon cannot think straight. The one in the head and his heart is only Daniel, Daniel, and _Daniel_. The more that Daniel wounds him, will further strengthen Jihoon to keep fighting for his love. Jihoon is sure there will be a way for people who faithfully waiting like him.

It can be said that Jihoon is stupid. Waiting for something that is uncertain. But what else he can do if love is already talking. Love is the one that chooses himself. Daniel is not the perfect man but Jihoon wishes he can perfect Daniel's life. Jihoon awakens from his reverie when Daniel takes a sitting position in front of him. Daniel wears a light blue cardigan with a white shirt inside. He looks handsome, as always. However, it cannot cover the eye bag that hung on his face.

“Hi, have you wait for so long?” Daniel asks.

  
Jihoon shakes his head while giving a smile to the gorgeous man in front of him. His heart is rattling uncontrollably. Jihoon is so nervous and unable to look directly at Daniel's eyes. Daniel grabs the menu book and immediately orders a glass of tea. Actually he is not eager to eat or drink. However, it will be very disrespectful if he just sit here without ordering.

Sungwoon chooses to sit at the back. Two tables away from Daniel. Sungwoon cannot stop himself from following Daniel. He wants to know what Daniel will be talking about with Jihoon. Sungwoon keeps staring at the two men. Occasionally his heart sunk to see Jihoon's sheepish smile as they talks to each other. Sungwoon can hear clearly their conversation even though this cafe is quite crowded with visitors.

Jihoon lowers his eyes again. The both of them are in silence. Too awkward to start a another conversation. Then Jihoon's eyes are fixed on Daniel's hands which are folded neatly on the table. On his ring finger, there is a certain golden ring that looks quite simple. Jihoon's heart cracked upon knowing that. Since when did Daniel use it? Why has not he noticed it all this time?

Daniel is aware of Jihoon's gaze.

  
“Jihoon- _ah_ , I'm already married.”

  
To say that Jihoon is shocked is an understatement. His eyes blinks at Daniel's sad face.

  
“But, isn’t he …” Jihoon cannot finish the sentence because Daniel has cut it first.

  
"I cannot betray him," Daniel says softly.

  
"I'm sorry because it's as if I've made you misunderstand everything," added Daniel.

Jihoon squeezes his fingers. Once again his heart is broken. But that's fine, he's used to all this anyway. Then Jihoon grabs Daniel's hand and holds it tightly.

  
"Daniel, please wake up. He's gone already."

  
"I know I can’t replace him, but please give me a chance to make you happy. _Please_.," the crystal clear tears slowly flow from Jihoon's eyes.

  
Daniel is stunned. He can feel how tightly Jihoon grasps his hand. It hurts. Daniel wants to get away from him.

  
“I'm sorry, Jihoon- _ah_ , I can’t..”

 

“Why can you not love others? Are you going to keep being like this for the rest of your life? Are you going to torture yourself? You're like a living corpse!” Jihoon can’t stop himself from shouting. He doesn’t care if the whole cafe begin to send judging look toward them.

Daniel is shocked by Jihoon's outburst of anger. Is himself really that bad? Daniel releases Jihoon's grip by force and stands up from his chair. He can no longer stay here. His mind is completely going nuts. This is a bad decision. Why is Jihoon still not willing to give up? Things are getting more complicated for Daniel. He immediately moves out of the cafe leaving Jihoon. He doesn’t care about the screams.

  
"Daniel! Daniel! Wait!” Jihoon shouts.

Sungwoon freezes to see it all. Why is it so complicated and difficult like this? Why Jihoon should be stubborn? Why cannot Daniel accept the reality? Why do Sungwoon have to watch this and feel the pain in his chest again?

  
Sungwoon rushes after Jihoon who comes out of the cafe to chase after Daniel. Outside the cafe, Jihoon is able to stop Daniel from leaving. Daniel pauses before he crosses the street. Jihoon's breath is uneven. However, it doesn’t stop him from giving his hard stare towards Daniel's back.

  
“Listen, there are still so many people who love you so much. Why do you just ignore them? Why do you have to get caught in your past?” The words slid vividly, though his breathing is panting and his heart pounding.

 Too many questions _'why'_. Daniel doesn’t  know the answer. His head hurt, throbbing improperly. His hand begins to pull his hair to ease the pain.

  
"Leave me Jihoon- _ah_. I'm not the best for you."

  
Daniel spuns around to look at Jihoon one last time. He himself cannot resist the tears that begin to wet his cheeks.

  
However, how shocked Daniel is when he finds that certain someone instead.

 

 

“Sungwoon..?”

 

 

Daniel doesn’t seem to believe what he sees. It looks blurry but he can still remember clearly the figure. _Sungwoon_. His beloved sweetheart. His soulmate. His Sungwoon.

  
“No. It's impossible,” Daniel mutters.

  
“No! It's impossible .. Sungwoon .. He.,”

Daniel is crazy. He is sure he is completely insane. There's no way Sungwoon is there. His head twitched again. Daniel moans in agony.

  
"Daniel .." Jihoon doesn’t  know what to do. Daniel seems to have lost his mind.

 

Daniel is fed up with everything. What kind of game is this? Daniel will go crazier if he stays here. Once again, Daniel casts a glance at where Sungwoon stands. The figure is still there. Looking at Daniel with a wry look.

  
Daniel really is crazy. His feet unwittingly steps into the street. Jihoon's shouts are ignored. In fact, the sound of car horns passing by seems unheard. And immediately his body being slammed so strong.

  
"Daniel!"

  
It happens so fast. Jihoon was stunned. His heart seems to stop. Only seconds after that Jihoon can see Daniel’s body on the road. Immediately, Jihoon runs towards Daniel. His body lays helplessly. So much blood. Jihoon can’t help but cry.Jihoon's body shook uncontrollably. His hand clasps on Daniel's weak hand.

  
"Please call an ambulance! Please help me!" Jihoon shouts for help to the people who witnesses the accident. He strokes Daniel's face slowly, very slowly; trying to remove the blood red streaks that keep flowing.

Meanwhile, Sungwoon is only able to stare. He can’t move from where he stands. He can only look at Daniel's body from afar. The tapering fingers touches his chest and he can feel the unrestrained tightness. Tears fall from those hazel colored beads. Sungwoon wonders, how can this heart beat _again_ so fast?

 ***

 

  
White. Everything is white. It's so clean but feels so oppressive for Sungwoon. His eyes scan in all directions. There is only white. Sungwoon feels sick. He grabs the edge of the plastic chair he is sitting on right now. He lowers his head, avoiding all the white color that seems to pierce his eyes. Unfortunately, the floor he is looking at now is also very white and clean. Sungwoon closes both ears; blocking the sound. He doesn’t want to hear it. His head starts to numb. He wants to scream so the crying will stop.

  
Jihoon squeezes Guanlin's jacket. The sobs becomes louder. Tears keep on flowing. His hands are shaking and begin to turn white. Guanlin tightens his arms around Jihoon. Caressing his hair and whispering words to soothe him.

Guanlin himself cannot hold back the tears. He always thought that he is a strong man; a man who will never cry. However, the thought of losing his friend makes him completely helpless. Guanlin is not ready to lose Daniel.

Sungwoon tilts his head; staring at the two men sitting in front of him. There is no point in closing the ears because the crying still penetrates into Sungwoon's head anyway . Jihoon looks so fragile in the arms of Guanlin. His face is flushed and wet with tears. Sungwoon feels sad just by seeing him. It’s sad because Jihoon's face should have not been smudged by the tears of sadness.

  
It's been more than three hours since Daniel was took into the operating room. More precisely, three hours, ten minutes, twenty-nine seconds. Sungwoon doesn’t stop counting the time. _Time_ ; it is something that Sungwoon desperately wants right now. He wishes he can control the time. He will rewind and stop the time. He will return to those beautiful moments with Daniel. But then again, he is is just an ordinary helpless human being; who has been played by the time itself.

  
Sungwoon is very worried. He doesn’t want anything bad to happen to Daniel. However, in his deepest heart he expects the other. Sungwoon looks back at Jihoon. The man has not stopped crying yet. Jihoon is wiping his tears several times but it seems that the clear crystal stream cannot stop. Guanlin closes his eyes and mumbles; a prayer.

Sungwoon wonders whether these people deserve to suffer with the loss of Daniel? They are people who are so close and very fond of Daniel, like himself. Sungwoon cannot bear to see them have to suffer. Sungwoon always questioned whether all of this is fair? Where the hell exactly is justice anyway? If God loves them so much, why should they suffer like this?

Sungwoon is angry. Angry with God, angry with himself. Too heavy burden he received. However, would God give a problem that his humans could not pass? Sungwoon can only surrender with his current situation. How can he be so angry? An unworthy of a despicable creature seems to be questioning the destiny of God. He doesn’t have the rights to.

  
Guanlin still continues to mumble nonstop prayers. His hands caress softly the head of Jihoon's moves slowly following his sobs. Guanlin never imagined he would be back in this horrible place. He has to face another life and death situation. This is the second time for Guanlin, only able to wait and pray for the safety of  his friend. The events of three years ago are still remembered clearly in his memories. And now everything seems to be repeating itself. Guanlin clenches his fist; holding back the emotions that swell. Either way, Daniel must be saved.

Guanlin has also contacted Daniel's parents. They are on their way from their hometown. Guanlin really did not have the heart when he heard the cry of  Daniel’s mother. It must be very hard for his parents to re-experience this.

  
Jihoon is helpless. He doesn’t know what to do. His mind is completely disorganized. His tears keep coming out nonstop. Nor the sobs are also subsided. Jihoon cannot think straight. Bad thoughts keep on flashing through his mind. His chest feels tighten; difficult to breathe. _Daniel. How can this happen to Daniel?_

  
Jihoon feels very guilty. He should have stopped Daniel before he went too far. He should be able to save Daniel from this bad accident. Stupid. Jihoon is so stupid. Now Daniel has to fight for life, it's all because of  Jihoon. Jihoon tightens his hug on Guanlin. Jihoon cannot handle all this. He really cannot.

A moment later the operating room door opens. A middle-aged doctor comes out followed by several nurses. Jihoon and Guanlin immediately greet the doctor.

  
The stocky man looks tired. He takes off his glasses and put them in his white coat’s pocket.

  
"Doctor, how is Daniel?" Jihoon asks. The anxiety are clearly visible on his face.

 

Sungwoon also comes closer to them. Despite feeling unprepared with any outcome, he still has to know Daniel's condition.

  
The doctor looks closely at the two men in front of him. Both look very tired and the tears are still clearly seen.

  
“Mr. Kang is suffering from severe internal bleeding in the brain, we have done everything we can, but fate says otherwise we are very sorry.”

  
The world seems to stop spinning. It is as if the whole air is sucked and makes it impossible to breathe. Jihoon goes silent. Guanlin bursts into tears again and instantly he hugs Jihoon's fragile body back.

  
Jihoon blinks; once, twice. He doesn’t understand. As if blood flow stop to his brain. He cannot think properly. What did the doctor say? Is Daniel gone? No, that's not possible. Jihoon refuses to believe.

  
“He's lying isn’t he, Guanlin? It's impossible!! He was with me hours ago!" Jihoon shouts.

Jihoon starts  wriggling from Guanlin's arms. Guanlin tries to calm Jihoon but himself is being devastated. Guanlin cannot speak. Everything is still hard to accept. Jihoon continues to struggle to get away from Guanlin. His scream is so deafening. It sounds so sad. Jihoon's hand hit Guanlin's chest. Trying to get away.

  
Sungwoon stands there. Everything feels unreal. It feels so painful to hear the fact that Daniel is gone. How can Daniel just leave? Sungwoon never allowed him to leave. This cannot happen. Everything hurts. His soul, body, and heart. Is it possible to feel lonely when in fact he is already alone? Sungwoon is already broken yet he still his heart can break into thousand tiny pieces all over again. Sungwoon suddenly feels dizzy. As if the floor below is swaying and ready to swallow his body anytime.

As his body begins to lose strength to remain standing, a hand touches his fingers. Sungwoon is stunned to know that Daniel is the one who holds his hand. Their fingers are so perfect fit for each other.

Sungwoon stares at Daniel's face. Daniel's fingers feels so cold, as cold as Sungwoon's fingers. Daniel strokes Sungwoon's cheek slowly; so gently. Feel cool. A tear drops down the cheeks that once was so ripe; the cheeks Daniel adored so much. Sungwoon relentlessly let go of his view of the soulmate.

  
"Hey, _I see you_. I see you, _my sweetheart_." Daniel says softly.

  
Sungwoon can no longer stop the tears. He sobs uncontrollably. Sungwoon cannot express his feelings. Finally, Daniel can see him; aware of his existence.

  
“I'm always here, Daniel.” replied Sungwoon, the tears continue to flow from his hazel eyes.

 

Daniel smiles wholeheartedly. Words cannot express what he feels right now. It has been so long since he was separated from Sungwoon. It has been so long since he has not touched his sweetheart. Daniel laughs even though the crystal clear tears keep flowing slowly from his eyes. He never imagined he would meet his soulmate again.

  
Daniel starts kissing Sungwoon's forehead; then both eyelids and cheeks. And lastly a sweet kiss on Sungwoon's lips. Everything feels the same as the old times. Both of them sobbing, unable to say anything. They have been longing for each other. Sungwoon falls in Daniel's arms. Daniel's body feels cold, but Sungwoon's heart is so warm. He desperately longs to be in Daniel's arms.

 

Sungwoon is again shocked by Jihoon's cries. Jihoon runs after Daniel's body which being carried by the nurses.

  
“No Daniel! Wake up! You should not die! No way!” Jihoon keeps screaming and even starts hitting Daniel's body that has been neatly wrapped in white cloth. Guanlin tries to stop Jihoon's action; assisted by a nurse to pull Jihoon's body away from the body.

  
Jihoon's body falls limp. Guanlin is lucky enough to catch him.

  
Sungwoon looks at them sadly. It turns out that his heart is wounded to see Jihoon in this kind of state. Though Sungwoon cannot do anything about it. All really are beyond his power. Guilt will not be able to turn back the time. Sungwoon never planned any of this. The destiny itself has played them.

  
"I'm sorry, Jihoon- _ah._ " Sungwoon murmurs softly.

  
Sungwoon tightens his embrace on Daniel. He will never let him go again. Now, Daniel belongs to him _completely_.

 

***

**_3 years ago_ **

 

Sungwoon stretched out his arms and breathed in the morning air. His eyes closed, trying to feel the freshness of the morning air in the mountains. Things like this cannot be found in Seoul.

  
“It seems to be raining soon.” Sungwoon pursed his lips.

  
Daniel hugged Sungwoon's slender body from behind. His chin was resting on the shoulders of the brown haired man.

  
“Maybe we should not just go.” Daniel suggested. Sungwoon chuckled as he pinched Daniel's arm.

  
“I want to go. I have prepared all of this. We must keep going.” Sungwoon said.

  
“If it rains heavily, it’s just a waste beacuse we will not be able to build a tent anyway.” Daniel said as he tightened his embrace on Sungwoon.

“But I want to see the waterfall!” Sungwoon whined. His lower lip was jutting out. Daniel chuckled because Sungwoon looked so cute when he pouted.

  
“All right! Let's get started! I hope the weather will get better.” Daniel kissed those luscious lips and immediately headed for their rental car.

  
Today was the third day of their honeymoon. Sungwoon had planned to camp on the slopes. They were indeed spending a honeymoon in the mountainous region in the southwestern part of Korea. Daniel couldn’t  refuse because Sungwoon wanted to see the waterfall down there. After all Sungwoon has also prepared all the needs of camping since before leaving for the honeymoon. Daniel didn’t  have the heart to cancel it just because it's a bit cloudy. Daniel hoped the weather got better and they could have some fun

Sungwoon re-checked their equipment that has been neatly arranged in the trunk. He made sure nothing was left behind. Daniel was a forgetful. There were always something missing everytime they went for holiday. Sungwoon's cell phone rang as he got ready to get into the car. A call from Daniel’s mother.

  
“Yes mom.”

  
  
“Ah, I think he forgot to charge the battery.”

  
Sungwoon closed the speakerphone with his hand and turned to Daniel who was turning on the car engine. “Where's your phone? Mother called you earlier,” asked Sungwoon.

  
“Oh I forgot! The batteries run out.” Daniel replied with a small laugh. Sungwoon could only roll his eyes.

 

Sungwoon continued to have conversation with Daniel’s mother. This conversation would  be long since Daniel’s mother was very fond of chatting. Especially with his son-in-law. They were very close. Daniel sometimes felt jealous because her mother was closer to Sungwoon than him.

  
The journey to the slopes of the mountains would take about two hours, according to GPS. Daniel was speeding up his car. Occasionally he glanced at Sungwoon who was so engrossed in conversation with his mother on the phone. Sungwoon's crisp laughter was so contagious that Daniel joined in a big smile. Watching Sungwoon being happy was like the best thing in this universe.

  
“Baby, don’t forget to wear your seat belt.” Daniel reminded him while caressing Sungwoon’s cheek. He sent warm gaze on Sungwoon like it was the rightest thing to do in this universe.

 

“Ah yes, wait a second.” Sungwoon tried to grab the seat belt beside him while continuing to chat on the phone.

Sungwoon hasn’t got his seat belt up yet as he was screaming.

 

  
“Daniel watch out!”

 

  
A loaded truck suddenly darted toward them. The shocked Daniel immediately swerved to the right side to avoid the cliff on their left. But unlucky, Daniel was late enough to hit the brakes and the car was thrown towards the ranks of the cliff. The car also lost balance and tumbled. Once, twice, up to three times. The car had dragged several meters. Then, silence.

  
Daniel blinked his eyes. His view was so vague. He could feel the blood begin to flow from his temples to his eyes. However, he couldn’t feel his legs. Very stiff. He was stuck with the position upside down. Daniel started to panic and looked around to find Sungwoon.

Half of Sungwoon's body dangled through the broken front glass of the car. His hair was unraveling irregularly and partly covering his face. Blood soaked all over his body. Sungwoon didn’t move at all.

“Sung— woon.,” in between Daniel's choking breath; he was trying to move his hand to reach for Sungwoon's body.

  
“Sungwoon ..”

  
Daniel moaned in agony. There was something sharp that pierced his head. But he didn’t  care. He must save Sungwoon.

 

“He--lp! Help!” Daniel screamed with all his might hoping someone would help them soon.

 

  
Daniel looked back at Sungwoon. The body was still motionless. Daniel started to cry and bang on his car door. Yelling for help.

A moment later Daniel could hear the steps of some people approaching their car. Daniel pounded on the door again.

  
“Please save my husband!” shouted Daniel.

  
“Please please help Sungwoon!” Daniel's sobs were unstoppable. He didn’t care about all the pain he felt right now. He just wanted Sungwoon to be taken to the hospital immediately. Sungwoon must survive. Sungwoon must be saved.

 

 

Daniel has been in a coma for two weeks. In addition, Daniel also suffered a broken leg and had to undergo surgery. It would take months to recover his leg injury. Daniel's mother stroked the boy's hair slowly again. The hints of sadness were still clear on her face. Of course, which mother's heart wouldn’t be hurt to see the condition of her baby just like this. Daniel hasn’t  woken up from his coma until now. Daniel’s family decided to move Daniel to a hospital in Seoul to make it easier for them to look after him.

  
All of Daniel's vital organs could function perfectly. It's just that his consciousness has not recovered yet. Looks like Daniel chose to sleep longer. Every day Daniel's parents took turns with Sungwoon's parents to look after Daniel. And today it's Daniel's mother’s turn to accompany her beloved son.

The dimpled woman stared closely at Daniel. Observing how Daniel's chest rose and fell in breathing regularly. Tears were spilled again when looking at Daniel who was lying weak and helpless. He was very pale and thin. The woman wondered what mistake had she made in the past until Daniel had to experience such a unfortunate event  like this? Daniel should have had a happy honeymoon journey after all.

  
Unable to stand it all, Daniel's mother decided to leave Daniel for a moment. She needed fresh air to calm herself. Unwittingly, Daniel’s fingers began to show a small movement and his eyelids were twitching occasionally.

 

The next day, Kang's family got the good news that Daniel was finally awake from the coma. Daniel looks confused. The light in the room was too bright. His head was still heavy. His legs were numb, couldn’t be moved. There were many tubes were connected in his body. Daniel again looked around the room. He could see both of his parents, though vaguely. There was also Guanlin and Sungwoon’s family.

  
Sungwoon. However, there was no Sungwoon. _Where is Sungwoon?_

  
Daniel tried to open his lips and make a sound. It really hurt. His throat was choked, like something was blocking it to form words.

Daniel's mother who saw her son found it difficult to talk, she rushed to him immediately.

  
“It's okay, baby. You don’t  have to say anything. Just rest.” said the mother as she caressed Daniel's pale cheeks.

  
Daniel tried to grab her mother's hand. There was a lot that Daniel wanted to ask. He should know where Sungwoon was. How Sungwoon was and why Sungwoon was not here waiting for him.

 

“Sung—,” the word came huskily yet scratchy out of Daniel's lips.

  
Daniel tried again to say the word but failed. His chest now hurt like something pressing from inside.

  
“It's okay. Everything will be okay, Daniel.” the woman could not hold back the tears. She kissed her son’s forehead softly.

  
Daniel turned to his parents-in-law who stands not far from the bed. Sungwoon’s mother began to sob and hide herself in her husband's arms.

  
Daniel tried to find answers from Sungwoon's father. However, the man was only able to look away from Daniel's gaze; while tightening his arms to his wife.

Guanlin was just the same. He kept his head down and didn’t give Daniel a chance to look him in the eye. A clear crystal tears glided down from Daniel's eyes. His head was about to exploded. He felt very sick. He began to understand. The silence from everyone was enough to give an answer to him. He wanted to fall back into his subconscious where he could still see Sungwoon's sweet smile and he could hear Sungwoon’s contagious laughter. Daniel wanted to sleep for a very long time and doesn’t  want to wake up again.

 

 

Sungwoon burst into tears. Over and over. He sobbed violently. The tears were streaming down his pale cheeks. It felt so cold and lonely. Sungwoon was really lonely. Daniel lay before him. He was so close but Sungwoon could not even touch him. As if touching the air. Sungwoon has given up because his touch always penetrated Daniel's body. He couldn’t feel Daniel's body. Sungwoon was lifeless and apart so far from Daniel. Their world was different now. Tears spilled again, Sungwoon didn’t  want to accept this fact. Sungwoon still wanted to be with his husband; Daniel. How could Sungwoon survive without Daniel? Daniel was everything for Sungwoon. Sungwoon looked at Daniel's face. His expression looked troubled. Did Daniel find Sungwoon in his dream? Would Sungwoon just be a memory and a dream for Daniel?

  
The brown-haired man wiped back the tears from his cheeks. Sungwoon promises he would not cry anymore. He would continue to be next to Daniel, whatever happened. Sungwoon was selfish, he would never let Daniel go. Until whenever. _Forever_.

 

* * *

**_"sometimes it is so hard to forget someone who gave you so many things to remember."_ **

 

 

 

 

 

**The End**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for reading! :)

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! :)


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